| I may be broken, but I still feel my distant sanity of tears trailing behind... |
[entries|archive|friends|userinfo] |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2004|06:56 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  aggravated | ] |
It's about time to tell you of my other LJ... My Mother was told about this one and she's damned pissed, so...I'm deleting this LJ blog... Go ahead and add ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) surrendition to you LJ if you would...
In about a week or two I'll be deleting this LJ...
So hurry before time runs out. I'll be adding all of you.
My Mother threatened to go and read the rest, so hurry, Please. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2004|05:13 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  Bleh... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Somewhere I belong" - Linkin Park | ] |
And my head still hurts horribly, but my fever is at 104 now, not much of a difference, but I feel a tad bit better.
I got really angry at this Boy who knows my sister and decided to cut me and her in a very long line for that food from that school I wish to burn to the floor. I chewed him out for cutting us and he got out of line, later I saw him and said, "Have a nice lunch?" He smiled and said, "I was behind you the WHOLE time." I laughed, retortingly saying, "How could you be behind us if me and my sister were the last people in line?" He started making excuses, I found it so amusing...
I really don't feel good, but...Shh...Don't tell anyone, alright? People worry to much and I'm just fine...
Darien just turned 10 years of age. He seemed so happy...playing with his presents and laughing.
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| I'm running a wonderful fever of 107 1/2 degrees, with a headache. |
[Nov. 4th, 2004|09:35 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  Skishy and Sickly... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "In Bloom" - Nirvana | ] |
I have, "Anarchy" stuck in my head, the song is damned great! I swear, they should go famous and mark me their number one fan! LoL.
I'm running a slight fever of 107 degrees, but I feel just fine despite a horrible headache which is killing my brain at the moment...
Flesh is freezing,
Blood is burning,
Heads on fire to attire for the unwilling.
Fever high,
More or less ready to die,
But I'm just fine enough to entwine in the willingful pain of fever.
That wonderful thing that never goes away once it's starts,
Scars you for life and never departs.
But you live on, and eventually forget,
The time you spent getting better...
Enough to walk out of bed.
My make-up poem is not supposed to be negative, I just felt like telling it from my perspective.
Alora, though you're only 6 months old, get better for me. (That'd be great if I was someone, eh?)
Eric, by the sky, if she doesn't get better quickly, you'll never hear the end of it from me, sweetheart.
I'll be staffing at the Recca kick-off on the 20th on November. I'll be there bright and early, at the Registration area, (The front door...) handing out papers as well as talking or whatever suits me.
Tell Me, more about You :
Name:
Middle Name (I won't ask for the last, but if you want to share, you can.):
Favorite Food?
Least Favorite food?
Person you would like to date the Most:
Dream Date:
Dream Honey-Moon:
Favorite Place to go:
Best Friend (Closest, the one you can tell everything and not think twice about.):
Favorite Color:
Favorite Song:
Favorite Artocle of clothing:
Favorite Gadget:
What makes you smile most?:
What makes you sad the most?:
What is the best memory you have of me? And/Or, what do you like most about me? (Thought, meeting, personality, etc.):
What did you think about Bush winning the Election so far?:
What do you like most about you and the things/people around you?:
This is to help me get to know you all better, If you want to send it personally...Send it to, AnimaticGirl101@yahoo.com. If you want me to send my answers back, be sure to give me another copy of the empty questions in the mail, so I can copy and paste.
Eric : Skishy...
Kayla : Skishy...?
Eric : Yep.
Kayla : Okay...
Eric : It means a need to be cuddled, or comforted.
How adorable is that!?
My head hurts, and sleeping is needed, I'm in need of Skishy... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2004|10:53 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Skishy... | ] |
My not so great day,
It always starts out good...I switched to a different binder for school since I was tired of looking at it. I was rushed to get into the car for school, (Which gave me no time to print my essay, due to the day before the printer wasn't working quite well I might add.) So my dear Mother promised to print it before 4th period, (Which never happened as you could have guessed.)
Then, sometime between 2nd and 4th period, my binder dissapeared; gone, not there...Maybe stolen.
I was cry so much, I had a week's make-up of math in there. A few days of Science work, Notes for a novel test I have to take tomorrow, (Or today depending on when you read this). It had a lot of important papers...
I was so furious, I kicked and punched the wall, denting it a few times. Why would someone be so stupid to steal a worthless binder?
Now I have to do the work ALL over AGAIN.
I have such a horrible headache, I feel horrible.
Above all, I could be getting an F in English due to to not having my essay due on the correct day. Losing my Novel's notes, my reading log to show that I've read the book too...
~Sighs~
Other than that, I'm good...seriously. Lonely, tired...but good.
I desire to hold someone, for comfort you could say, or pleasure if you want to imagine it that way... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2004|12:19 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Saddened with others sickness. | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Sweet Dreams" - MM, "Century Child" - Nightwish | ] |
Princess is sick...
I wish I could be there to hold her.
Today at school, one of my teachers brought their adopted daughter (whom is from Russia. They actually flew all the way there to pick her up! I'm proud of Mrs. Nunes...) I just wanted to pick her up, I have such a longing...
I feel dead empty now, I know I'm missing plenty of things, I wish I weren't.
Love, Children, a Good home, a loving family at most.
I did pretty good today, at school, here's my grades so far... (I'll give you the reasons why I'm getting those grades too...)
World Hist. - B
Drawing - A
Keyboarding - C
English 2 - D
Phys Sci. - A
Algebra - C-
Reasons:
World Hist - Dispite always falling asleep because it's a lecture in the morning, I'm always raising my hand, giving answers and such.
Drawing - Says I'm great but I need to stop talking so much, she wants to change all my classes because she wants me in her Painting class, because I'm above level for this Beginners drawing class.
Keyboarding - I don't type "H" right, ( mean, WTF!? You type it with your index finger! *Mumbles unappropriate words for this LiveJournal* Okay, so I may not feel comfortable with hoping to type something right, so I look at the keyboard...It doesn't kill me any!)
English - I can't type a correct heading, (How can I type a correct heading if he's never shown me!? Bah!) Damn essays every week...
Phys Science - He thinks I'm doing great, thinks I'm too quiet and sweet. ( Okay...So he's a little... *Circles above her head with a finger* For thinking that about me.)
Algebra - She thinks I'm sweet, but the people talk to me to much and is proud that I don't talk back. (They always ask me questions about Goths because of the way I act and dress.) And that I have horrid low quiz scores but very high homework scores. It's a small problem I have, I do great on the homework because I;m not timed, but I freeze and freak out when it comes to tests, and I hurry so fast I can't remember anything.
That's it...Pathetic, eh? Yeah, I understand I'm a moron. (But a nice moron? LoL...)
School is going good...Despite the growing amount of Cheerleaders and pom-poms. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 29th, 2004|07:46 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  Enthralled & Amused... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "The Nobodies" - Marilyn Manson | ] |
Today, well it's a long story, that I wish not to repeat as to their were TOO many, "Dude is she dating anyone?" "Hey Hottie" "Sup sweet ass?" Erm, don't know whether to take it as a compliment or an insult, I was asked out twice, told that people wanted me because of my Hallow's Eve costume, a seductress, and believe me, if it brings that much attention to me, I'd wonder if it was just the costume, because those people are obviously blind to think my legs are sexy, hot, smooth...I had so many people wanting to hug me, people were talking about me and met me the day before because I drew all over my arm and it looked like an arm tattoo, being told I should go into business...
It was fun, but scary...
Makes me feel more confident I suppose.
(And happy, not to put a fine point to it, above all...it was amusing, I'm usually the invisible goth with attitude and killing-like looks/thoughts, sadism pouring out my ears, etc.)
Okay, *Sighs* I had to write this whole Entry over 5 times because my fingers slip and I press delete to everything. *Curses the Shift and the mouse that directs what get's deleted* Anyway, my first ready-post was the most detailed, have conversations, but after a while, I got tired of it and resorted to this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|10:22 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  Grateful for Friendship... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "My Immortal" - Evanescence | ] |
Today happens to be the exact time I met Eric, online through an arguement with another lady, who was attempting to gain his heart, and I ruined that moment, I don't feel the least bit sorry, I wouldn't have stayed friends with him.
But than the other way around, he would still have another friend. "Half one or the other." Metaphorically speaking, it was, "Meet me or stay and know her," deal. It hurts to know that I, Me, Kayla...made him lose a good friend, whom had his trust. I can't get over it, I tried to heal.
This day, the 27th, of October,
When wounds felt solid, he made them soft to heal.
When I hurt, he helped me feel better.
When I was happy, his was the biggest cause, because he tried to cheer me up, he was happy with and for me.
When I cried, he made those tears stop running.
I'm not afraid of the Physical things, words, physical contact, nervous...But not afraid.
I was afraid to trust, to love...to be me. A friend who wanted another, a lover who strived for none other.
Thank you for being here Mentally, when you couldn't be here physically...
The dearest things to me, lie within my heart, never to fear, never to part." - My quote, to show that I care, no matter how closed, or cold hearted I may be.
"An inside is a mirror reflected from the out." - To show that Just because I'm lovable, distant, maybe insane on the outside, means there's another me on the inside that only you know.
"Hold my hand, and I'll hold yours higher" - To show my loyalty as a friend, and to share my trust.
"Share with me, I'll share with you." - It's not tit-for-tat, it's a bond of honesty, I share my world, and you show my yours, I won't ask for much, just you're friendship...
"I'll tell you a secret, you tell, but I'll still keep yours inside until I die." - To show all the things I'll do and never forget and never tell. Secrets are meant to be kept secret.
Friendship is like a bond. They're supposed to be held together until the end, if they begin to fall apart, just glue them back together with glue. Open you're heart and trust doors, for I'll walk back in, you'll never forget the havoc and serenity I'll cause, because we'd do it together, there may be an "I" in Friendship, but let's just forget it, because it's a bond, not an alone stance. Let me into your heart, no matter how you feel I'll break it apart, because I'm solid, I'll share my heart if yours is broken, because love and friendship is the best part.
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I have so much more, but it's hard not to cry, it's been a year, tears, smiles, randomness, and fun. You swept me off my feet with friendship. and I'll always hold on tight.
Happy Friends Anniversary, Eric. Our first year...Heading toward forever.
I love you... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2004|01:40 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Horrible, but good too... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Aeons" - Lacuna Coil | ] |
Yesterday was great fun, the bus thing all worked out, I left the mall/bus stop at 8:47 p.m. Bought things at Hot Topic, Spencer's Gifts and Zumiez, It was an awesome and wonderful day...
Now if I could only upload my pictures, even if I only have 4 or 5.
I desire to talk to my Eric, I NEED to talk to him, I said something wrong and I should apologize for it. I felt so horrible I cried all night... |
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| LoL....High Hitler, people... |
[Oct. 22nd, 2004|08:19 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Entwined" - Lacuna Coil, "mObscence" - Marilyn Manson | ] |
"Arguing with the moderators is like shaking your fist at God. There's nobody there; and if there is, he's not listening. And if he's listening, all you're doing is pissing him off."
-foobar104, on Slashdot.org
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes."
-???
"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."
- Jasper Carrott
"I just took an IQ test. The results were negative."
-???
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
-George Carlin
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"
"Do not worry about your problems with mathematics, I assure you mine are far greater."
-Albert Einstein
"Sure, your guilt might force you to vote Democrat, but secretly deep down inside you long for the Republicans to lower your taxes, ignore the poor, brutalize prisoners, dictate what goes on in your bedrooms and rule you with an iron fist."
-Sideshow Bob
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat."
-John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
"In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks."
-Scott Adams
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
-???
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
-Groucho Marx
"Windows: Just another pane in the glass."
-???
"Every man should have a hobby - but make sure your wife doesn't know about her."
-???
"A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can possibly spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man."
-???
"How did Hitler tie his shoes? In little Nazis!"
-???
"There is no clearer manifestation of pure evil than teachers giving assignments over holiday breaks."
-James Halloran
"'Evil men have no songs.' How is it that the Russians have songs?"
-Friedrich Nietzsche
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
-Winston Churchill
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."
-Jack Handey
"Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation."
-???
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her."
-???
"To the world you are someone, but to someone you are the world."
-???
"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything."
-???
how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
Let's all laugh at the humorous jokes, and smile to the love quotes.
Heh, my favorite is the Hitler and Nazi one, LoL...
I found it hysterical.
I got a joke from my Eric, 'twas having me in laughing tears.
"They say that it you play a Microsoft CD backwards it gives a satanic message, you know what's worse? Playing it forwards and getting Windows."
My Step father added on, "You know what's worst? If you put the CD in sideways and watch a crash and burn!"
Lmao. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 20th, 2004|05:23 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | enthralled | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Entwind" & "Heaven's a Lie" - Lacuna Coil | ] |
I'm quite well today...Though I missed Eric online by a few fucking hours. I can damn a hospital appointment that I wasn't able to have because of medical insurance.
I'm am exhausted, and I want a vacation out of California, for...life. Not that anything is wrong here, life here is just...tiring, boring and exhausting.
See...I want a relationship, children, the simple things you don't think about until you get out of college, I suppose My mind is so traumatized from my life, as they say...
"If you've ever been abused, or sexual molested as a child, you tend to have a mentality of a 33 year old, even if you are only 13 or in your teenage years."
Makes me feel horrible...
I got a camera, digital, I can see the horrible pictures I take, I want to join Year Book, and take plenty and a huge mass of picturs for it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 20th, 2004|01:38 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Content | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Heaven;s a Lie" - Lacuna Coil, Comalies | ] |
My Birthday went quite well...
Though I can hardly think now that I had a personal, very personal conversation with Eric...It blurs my mind.
Thank you to all whom said Happy Birthday and paid attention to little ole me.
I got the Lacuna Coil - Comalies, and the new Mariyln Manson -Lest We Forget- The Best of, CD's, which pleased me very much, a pair of black and white stripped stockings as well...
I need sleep, goodnight everyone. |
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| 3 MORE days... |
[Oct. 16th, 2004|02:45 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  Enthralled | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | Disposable Teens - Maryln Manson | ] |
3 More days...
I turn 15.
I want to go to this Fanime Gathering...But I have no way down there! *Sulks* And it's my Birthday's weekend too...
I was told my Mother ought me a present for over $200 dollars, I was like, "WTF!? With what money!?" So...Heh.
I'm happy that she's trying to make up for so many lost years...It's great, but it's not going to make much better.
Anyway, my dear ( >. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2004|10:35 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Just Like You" - Three Days Grace | ] |
Post a Memory of me,
It can be anything you like...
Then post this in your journal and see what memories people have of you.
Y = Yes.
N = No.
M = Maybe, depends.
* = Already have done.
O= Decline to answer.
( ) go out (to a club for example) with me?
( ) give me your number?
( ) let me kiss you?
( ) watch a movie with me?
( ) let me take you out to dinner?
( ) drive me somewhere/anywhere?
( ) be my boyfriend?
( ) listen to me if I called you, even if you were out with all of your friends?
( ) buy me a drink if I didn't have money?
( ) take me home for the night?
( ) sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
( ) re-post this for me to answer your questions?
(Truely, I wasn't paying attention and I accidently had the 7th question saying, "Girlfriend" Bah! x___X )
If you plan on sending me an e-mail, do send it to me before my e-mail box fills, it's the "So much mail, so little room in the box" theory. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2004|11:27 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | good | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Vitamin R (Lead us Along)" - Chevelle & "With You" - LP | ] |
15 days until my very own birthday, what a bore.
School is wearing me out desperately, my arms ache painfully. I feel like I have a cold, but I'm doing well, or so I think in school...
Friends should not be in the quantity, but in the quality and worth.
My head hurts from all my homework, I think I'll add more, sooner or later, more likely later... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2004|11:35 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Dissapointed | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Only One" - Yellowcard | ] |
Well, I am quite dissapointed with myself, missing the chance to tell Eric happy birthday and all...
I wanted to call him, but since I had no internet, I had no interaction whatsoever to be able to get ahold of him...
I don't think people realize how hard it is for me to miss someone's birthday.
Ever since I was 11-12 I don't remember being told happy birthday or having a party, I'd do anything to make sure the people around me had a good day on their birthday, I'm prone to do so...I couldn't help but cry in school, I feel so horrid.
Oct 1. - Eric's Birthday
Oct 2. - Dasha's Birthday
Now two in a row...Both great and my closest friends.
I do thank Maurveen for calling me the other day to make sure I was still alive, love you dearest. |
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| Heh... |
[Sep. 17th, 2004|07:16 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | stressed | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Personal Jesus" - Marilyn Manson | ] |
I feel horribly stressed out, and I'm waiting as patiently as I can for the internet back...
I'm more worried about other things, I'm being threatened to being kicked out of my home, my mother says to go call up a friend and move into their houses, she yells at me, gets angry just because I'm me and not what she wants, I try to stay out of the way and quiet, but it seems to make her more angry every day...
I feel like packing a bag and walking away until I die.
"Person Jesus...Reach out and touch faith!" ~Walks off singing~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2004|01:25 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | gloomy | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "One Thing" - Finger Eleven | ] |
I know it's late to report this...
I feel horrible for not writing it in here.
My little brother, Taylor turned 6 on Sept 2.
My mother left it all to me, ran off to go places, expecting Taylor for forgiving her for missing that 'Happy Birthday' song, missing of the lightened candles. I made the cake myself, all choclate, homemade icing, (Which I didn't like all to much but the kid's loved it.)I kept repeating, the words Happy Bithday, as if I never wanted him to forget it no matter what.
I mean he's 6, what 6 year old should miss a birthday with their mother? My Father didn't even call, the fucking pedophile want's joint custody of the children, and he doesn't even wish one of HIS children happy birthday? That's hurtful, if I saw him, I'm kill him unless someone strapped me in a jacket and an insane assylum, but then...If that was so, I'd have more time to plot and plan how to kill him.
I hated it...I hate him...He, nor anyone like him has a place in my heart.
It could have been better, What the fuck is wrong with me?
I could have done better for his birthday, I could have tooken him to the park with the dogs, I could have invited his friends to school...I could have done something... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2004|06:58 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | stressed | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "So Cold" - Breaking Benjamin | ] |
This isn't right!
Bah... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2004|10:32 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Annoyed and Frustrated... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Stratus" - Moments In Grace | ] |
I'm so frustrated I could pull out my hair strand by strand and enjoy it!
Ok, here goes my rant about the internet.
My mother and her Boyfriend promised to have the internet for me before I went to camp, then they promised it after I came back, they promised while we work cleaning for the inspection that they'd have it in another day or so...
NOW, it's going to be two fucking weeks before I get it...
I don't think you all understand how angry this makes me. I've waited, patiently, I've tried...
Promised the people that I would be back online soon, and look...It's getting longer and longer by the day.
Ok, I'm officially done...
I could cry, because I don't have any friends here and the only way I can get ahold of them is through the internet, I'm so lonely I could die, then it turns out I'm not enrolled in school either. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 7th, 2004|10:04 pm] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Getting Away With Murder" - Papa Roach | ] |
Well...
I'm having a terrible migrane, and my body aches horribly, what's wrong?
What's wrong with me?
What did I do wrong?
Why I am I the way I am?
Why aren't I someone else?
Why, when I look for something, I cannot find a thing?
Why do I feel blind.
HOPEFULLY, I may have the internet soon...Fear not, though I'm sure you aren't anyway. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2004|09:16 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Letters" - Hikari, Utada | ] |
I have good news, if anyone has missed me recently.
I will have the internet back up in running in less than a week.
I must be off now, things must be done as of the late...
We didn't EXACTLY pass our house inspection, but close. ~Shrugs~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 31st, 2004|12:35 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Pathetic | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | 'Survival of the Sickest' - Saliva | ] |
I live...
Unfortunately, aye?
I need a good friend to talk to, a good get together, we got rid of the fucking internet, Heh...
Tomorrow I'm going to a small get together for camp, must I go...?
I'm lonely,
Need me? Call me...
=_____________=;;
Anyway, Maurvie, I do hope you see this, because in less than a week, I do HOPE, that you get the mail I've sent, if not, you'll have to wait till I get some more stamps, it's not 'Cheap' to send mail to Canada... >.<;;
I must be off...
I do hope that some of my friends come online soon. T_T |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 7th, 2004|07:53 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Comtemplated | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "The Same" - Nonpoint | ] |
Well...
Life...Fucking sucks.
I kind of just found oiut that my computer had 80 viruses, and a new motherboard needs to be bought for it, a whole $500 fucking dollars, I have to go to camp next week on Thursday. I REALLY wish two certain special people I know were on...But one lost her connection, and the other is at works. *Sighs* Oh...well.
I really need a friend, and I want to go do a Foreign Exchange for Canada, ^^.
I'm horridly bored, where's my Eric, Dasha, Maurveen...? *Sighs again*
That about it for now... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2004|09:25 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Sick... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "God Hates Me" - Simple Plan | ] |
Ok...
Life sucks, eh?
I was talkinbg to my friend, Maurveen, from Canada, and all of the sudden, I see a huge flash from my computer. Maurveen said it probably needed rest, but guess what? It's broken! *Sighs* I want Eric to call me, it seems that the laptop I borrow every one or two days, it dies on me right when I'm in the middle of something.
But yes, Eric I love you and I miss you all dearly! *Sighs one more and steals some random person's pants and hides them away for later My mother will take the omputer into a shop, which is a waste, I'd rather get a new computer than to be stuck with a 1.99 GB.
But anyway...
I need a computer.
And a life, I have a horrid stomach ache and abdominal pain.
Eric...
Go on ICQ and ask Maurveen for my number, PLEASE? I don't think you'd realize HOW greateful I'd be, or check my friends area for my journal, her nick is _wasted_life_, Have fun everyone...
Life moves on...Just don't forget me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 23rd, 2004|03:24 pm] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Perfection" - The Conclave of Psychotic Elitests. | ] |
I feel horrid...
I've been crying so long...
I can't my Eric just go...
I want to hear his voice one more time.
A hug, a whisper, a call, a hit and run if need-be, I know he must do what he's been ready and must do...
So I'll let him do it, even if it tears me up inside, because it's for the better...
I have much to say, but I',m not quite sure if I'm ready to share it.
I'll update later... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 21st, 2004|04:35 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Bitchy and sick to my stomach. | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Make a Move" - Lostprophets | ] |
This World seems to die,
(A new life,)
Everyday...
(As I cry)
And not know why,
(I'm afraid)
Because we have only a few days...
(And have nothing left.)
And we have all our bad and good days,
But you still have,
(Nothing left...)
Do you,
Cry at the thought of leaving?
(Or do you want to go, so easily...?)
Do you,
Plan on making a fool of yourself?
(Infront of you, infront me)
Sometimes I wonder,
(What happened to us all...)
But at night I think...
(Fuck you all...)
Because we have only a few days...
(And have nothing left.)
And we have all our bad and good days,
But you still have,
(Nothing left...)
Do you think we'll listen?
(Even if you scream?)
Do you think we even care?
(If you'd care to dream.)
We're not what's known.
(We're invisible,)
Not like you can hurt us,
Not like you can put us to shame...
We'll shove you into the dust and swear we don't know...
You're name.
Yes, I'm fully aware it doesn't make sense to you...
Not like I really care if it did or not.
I'm still frustrated and hurt by my Mothers words, saying I am just like Russell, two words for my mother, "Fuck You." Heh.
Eric if you read this, "Dearest, you seriously feed your Princess TOO much"
Heh, my wise words of wisdom.
Farewell... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2004|03:32 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Alright, I suppose. | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Whatever" - Godsmack and "The Same" - Nonpoint. | ] |
http://img20.photobucket.com/albums/v61/chen_czen/ryubbq/ryusbbq_019.jpg
This was taken of me, which I now realize, I wasn't hiding, just blocking myself from being blinded from the sun, I thought he took a picture of me hiding though...
Later on I was pulled out of the way from the sun.
LoL, it doesn't look that bad, I hope to get my pictures developed soon...
EDIT : I have a tiny problem with always saying, "Tooken" instead of, "Taken" It sucks, literally. |
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| Friday comes along faster than you know it... |
[Jul. 19th, 2004|01:42 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | ... (Must I say more?) | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | Evanescence - "My Immortal" | ] |
Yet, another song...
I have tried so hard...
Don't you let yourself fall...
(Ah...ah, ah, la...)
I have tried so hard.
Don't you let yourself fall!
(Oh...)
So corrupted,
You screaming,
Just bleeding away...
So scared you might,
Tonight you fight,
Today!
I have tried so hard...
Don't you let yourself fall!
(Ah...Ha.)
I have gone so far,
(Oh...)
I won't give up tonight...
(Oh...ho-ho-ho-oh...)
Serrated,
And whimsicle.
Dark fading,
And it's making me,
Fall!
I have tried...
Don't let it take you over...
You have gone so far...
Don't...
Give up,
Tonight!
So moving,
That's it's bruising me,
I'm trying,
Coping with a little bit of me.
(You have tried...It takes over! Oh. Oo...ah. You've gotten so far and you can't give up on what you lack you must, you trust!)
I have tried...
I have tried so hard...
Don't you let yourself fall...
(Ah. ah, ah.)
I have tried so hard.
Don't you let yourself fall!
(Oh...)
Makes sense, any?
It does,
To me...
Friday comes...
Come's closer,
Are you afraid?
I'm just scared...
Oh, Eric...
"Hush my darling,
Don't you cry...
Crying angels,
Forget their lies..." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2004|11:52 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | In pain... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Afraid and Unfair" - Myself... | ] |
Here's a song I'm writing as I'm singing...
(Don't...)
Cry, when your scared.
It's alright, but unfair.
There's not much...
To change all what we have become.
Our apperance,
May...
Decieve.
But if you,
If you see,
What we have become...
Than your more likely to be,
Happy.
(Don't...)
Cry, when your afraid.
It's alright, but unfair.
There's not,
Much you can do to me.
If...
You,
Try to change,
Anything...
You will...
Fail, with me.
(La la, la....La la la la, la la la la oh...)
Don't give up,
On what you hold the most.
I fear,
I'm a death's host.
It's alright,
Be afraid,
It won't hurt to be part of pain.
You are pale,
Such of a color,
What to see?
I don't,
Know what,
I seek.
(Don't...)
Cry, when you afraid...
Don't be scared to say goodnight,
I know,
It's unfair,
But that's what life's about...
(Don't...)
Cry...
It's all right...
Don't be afraid!
Of the days!
It's...
Alright,
Don't cry,
It's...
Alright.
I would call this song, "Afraid and Unfair." Heh, but I don't know...I'm one to just sit down and sing something random and make up words to the tune in less than 2 minutes. =/
Not like I have to think for it.
My legs hurt horribly, and I don't want to go to the emergency room.
My arms, they burn, somethings wrong, the last time my arms started to burned, someone I knew, died...
It happens everytime.
My toes and fingers are numb, but there's not much I can do about it.
I just found out a few hours ago that I lost 15 lbs. In less than 2 weeks...
I used to weigh 127, not I weigh 112. =/ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2004|06:10 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Tired... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Chop Suey" - System of The Down | ] |
The party at Jorge's house was...Priceless in an Awesome sort of way,
I would give details...
But I'm too tired...
My computer is being an ass so I must go through and delete a lot of things...
I'll update more later.
I was just howing everyone that, I...Live. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2004|04:54 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Lonely... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Sleepless" - Level and "Make a Move" - Lostprophets | ] |
I don't know what to do...
I'm so scared.
I wonder, if I should go tomorrow.
I'm afraid that something will happen to my Eric while I'm away for half of the day.
I personally, would rather talk to him for an hour rather than go to a party for a day.
Maybe I can do both?
I'm borrowing my mothers call phone so maybe he'll be able to call me on it.
I think it's better.
I'm still upset though. =/
I was sent an e-mail partaining Information for Eric, and I wonder if I should send it. I haven't read it, though I want to, even if I was told not to, I do have the right...
But,
Heh.
Oh well...
Why does so much cloud the mind?
Depress the heart and soul?
People fight everyday and change nothing by their idiocy.
I feel I must do something,
What, you say?
I don't know...
Maybe walk till the ends of the earth.
Many people are raped by life,
Maybe people don't understand love...
Some hate, dislike, detest...
It all means the same damn thing one way or another, even if the definition is different.
Sing with the loneliness.
Misery loves company,
Want ot be mine?
I feel like a lost soul.
Just full of hate a regret. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2004|12:35 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Hollow and Hopeful | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Wait" - Earshot - - - "Anger Rising" - Jerry Cantrell | ] |
I feel a deep and sudden hollowness as I hung up the phone from talking with Eric.
I'm quite upset with some things...
I feel a longing to be held before he leaves...
IF he does, but yet, do I hope he doesn't have to?
Yet, I know he must...
I wish I could do something about it...
I will read his e-mails over to help myself help him, though I'm sure I can't do much...
The world seems a burden to us,
If we went back,
If we were able to change everything around,
Make it a better place,
Would you take the slightest chance?
Take the chance to change what already is and will be.
I sit here,
Empty and alone,
I wish to help,
Yet I'm powerless...
I hope,
And I say this to everyone.
I hope the choices you make in life,
You think ahead on what you might do,
What might change,
Every action has a consequence.
I've already made my actions,
I hope the path I have chosen takes me where I want to be,
Even if I lose the one I love dearly...
Some might say, "Wtf? It's a person, why do you care? You're so fucking gullible"
And all I have to say to that is, "You know, I made me own choice, my OWN, remember that. I'm only as gullible as you think, and with your thinking capabilities, I might be gullible, but I know what I'm doing..."
I'm as smart as I want to be.
My dreams as a child, being a singer, dancer, artist, anything art related, has been shot down by those who think they can shoot me down, and I don't care.
I have many things to worry about rather than your put downs and patheticness.
I'm crying now, frustrated, saying randomly, "Do leave me...Don't go."
Hold me until the moment you leave,
Never forget me,
Write me a story,
Paint me a picture,
Make me remember,
Tell me more about yourself,
Give me a picture,
Blow me a kiss,
It doesn't matter what it is...
As long as it's from you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2004|12:32 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Sick to my stomach... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | My groaning in pain... | ] |
I feel sick to my stomach, like throwing up sick.
I can find any medicine...
This sucks, really badly.
I have a longing to pick up the phone and call Pennsylvania.
I need to eat more often, before I and my friend Maurveen go Anorexic or Bulemic, granted, I doubt that'll happen to me, I like food to much. (Disencluding Seafood (Notice the word I made? 'Tis awesome.)
I think I shall attempt to lay down a mere minute or two, maybe make or go get something to eat, (Despite the fact that I've been buying my brothers and sisters food for the past...2 weeks, I can damn my mother for always being with George, never shopping, leaving us to fend on our own, and never even bring home the lightest bite of food, surprisingly she fed us lst night.)
Heh, ~Nods slightly~
I'll be off now...
Farewell... |
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| Why...? |
[Jul. 15th, 2004|12:20 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Horrid... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Closer" - Nine Inch Nails | ] |
I was talking to Maurveen on the phone, (I say, I really like her voice, it's adorable...) and the found kept cutting out, it turned out to be dogs chewing on the phone cord. I almost killed the dogs.
Rachell started blamming me for everything, her basket got knocked over while I was in the hallway and she blamed me fully for it.
I'm such a fucking, fuck up!
She just rambled on about how worthless my work was...
She told me to find something and I didn't feel like looking for it so she kicked me off of the internet.
She came into the room while I was folding clothing, and right after she left I burst into tears...
I wonder what would happen if I called the cops on her one day for all that she's done to ruin me.
She always seems to love to steal my friends from me.
Right now, I don't even know if I'm going to Ryu's party...
Especially if Rachell is going.
But I always remember, 'She has always taken my friends from me, everyone last one, stole them away until they hated me.'
Even my clothing, the objects I hold dear, she wins all my friends hearts over, and then I try and tell them the truth about her, and they shun me, calling me a liar, then Rachell pushes them down into the gutter and they won't come back.
I'm tired of being called the worlds biggest liar.
I'm an enemy to the world...
These words, just simple typing makes me wish I was never alive, I'm crying, and Eric said to try and not to cry, but I do apologize to him...
If I had the slightest chance to leave, I would...
I hurt, my back aches, my head aches, my hands, feet, soul aches...
I desire to hear those three words I fear I'll never feel...
It's easy to read, but being told is different...
Why am I writing this?
No one cares...
Everyone attempts to comfort the girl in the corner, They always see everything in color,
Everything bright,
I see my shades of grey,
And they don't understand why...
And you know...
Neither do I...
I must be scared,
That I'll lose...
One way or another, as I always do... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2004|02:39 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Content and Thoughtful. | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Clowns" and "Not gonna get us" (Russian Version) - T.a.T.u. | ] |
Details are not your cup of tea. You are fascinated by philosophy and the world of ideas. You are a great talker and reader and your best companions will be those who share your concepts and ideals. You prefer professional people with a certain flair.
Your imagination is so powerful that, if you don't have a strong creative or spiritual outlet, you may at times be over-influenced by your own fantasies or those of others. Beware of gullibility. In the long run, telling the truth is in your best interest.
You are creative and charming. You speak well, live well and are fond of people who have taste, wit, good manners and share your aesthetic interests. Your emotional ties must also be on your intellectual level or your interest will soon begin to wane.
Your love nature is very turbulent. You form relationships impulsively and then worry it's with the wrong person. There seems to be a dichotomy between the person you know yourself to be and the person you feel you should be in order to be valued and loved.
You are a serious person and inclined to be somewhat inflexible in your thinking. Since you tend to be rather judgmental, you could only be happy with someone who is in philosophical agreement with you and conceptualizes the world as you do. Sometimes you are rather taciturn.
You listen easily, to everything that one says. They trust you and find you easily to friend and hard to de-friend. You understand, you find it tough for life and feel prone to help people through it. Naturally you feel alone, in need of comfort. Always day dreaming and wishing things would move faster, you feel rushed into life and back out.
You find it easy to give advice and or help to those that you deem worthy; You openly make make new friends when you have the chance, you feel like your stuck in your own little ball, you strive to get out and on with life and move away from the past and into the future.
You enjoy making others smile, it makes you happy, but still you hide secrets and don't talk much about your past years towards others, seeing that they'll judge you.
Your relationships are deep, and you like them that way, you work well with other smart, intelligent people.
You want to find a Relationship with someone whom you love and can relate and tell everything, so you won't let your frustration bottle up.
I was just messing around with Astrology.com ... This is what came out.
Well...This is like me, in some ways.
Of course, I always want to be comforted or I want a hug.
Though, I didn't see or guess it would be THAT indepth.
I said it would be short, I think, tell me...Does this look short!? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2004|09:33 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "My Immortal" - Evanescence | ] |
I know...
They're stupid, and untrue.
But I do wish this was true.
I actually have a lot to say...
But I'd rather not the thought makes me want to kill myself and others...
People seem to love pushing me back into my shell.
Yet I'd dragged out and humiliated, taught to socialize, I miss the life I was brought into.
I want to leave, is that so bad? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2004|10:06 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Excited... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Lithium" - Nirvana | ] |
The best day I've had in a VERY long time.
I talked to Eric,
I went to the Obon Festival in San Jose.
Gtranted, it wasn't the best...
Doug picked my sister and I up...
We drove and picked up Jorge
We went to the festival, ate some friend chicken, (Messy, but good.)
We found it Small, once we caught up with Lindsey, she's sweet...But quiet.
We walked around, bought Pocky (Chocolate pretzel sticks)And went to a little anime store.
We met up with Other Fanime board people...I have forgotten the S/N's and Nicknames though...
We joked about Hentai and such...
Then we departed somewhat, We all went to Brian's house and watched a movie.
We all hung out, and talked to Sword's wonderful Grandmother, she's sweet and she likes to socialize, LoL.
Then we departed, I hugged Sword goodbye and such, Rachell, Ryu, Drall, and myself all drove to the Great Mall...
We ate, went back to the car and drove to Ryu's house, we burned Rachell a CD or two, then we departed, I hugged Ryu goodbye, (Knowing that he was sad because Becky didn't make it...)
But at least I got him to laugh.
I, personally talked to much, but Drall drove us home, we hugged and said our goodbyes, and ended the trip...
Now, what would make my day is...
Eric...
If only he was here, so I'd have some warmth and a hug. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2004|02:02 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Tired... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Numb" - Linkin Park | ] |
06. "Easier to Run" Linkin Park 03:24
"It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I
Would
Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There would never be a past
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone"
I could run...and never look back.
But think of the things that I lack.
Moving forward I would change into the real me instead of the fake you.
I am...
Semper Fi.
Forever Faithful... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2004|12:51 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Freezing... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "My Happy Ending" - Avril Lavigne | ] |
After longs hours, and attemps to make my World black and white, I made it in color, due to it being easier.
It may not look like the way I wanted it to...
But it's better than paying for an account.
I still cry...Over earlier.
I pray the one I want to talk to gets of soon...
But yet, I feel like an annoyance to him.
These Dogs, Puppies if you will...
Follow me like a shadow, everywhere I turn, there they are watching over me, or are they just watching me?
Athena and Aries.
I have grown attached to them...
I hate the thought of having to be rid of them,
It breaks my heart...
I wish someone was here.
I want to hold, or be held onto for a mere moment.
My dream,
Someone throw me away.
Beat me,
Forget me,
Bruise me,
Torture me...
I deserve it all...
But do I deserve to live, Unloved?
Why does distance have to be a problem in the world? Why can't we all be a second away?
Disappear I pray today,
This Godforsaken tear,
Falls from my face of low self-esteem...
I wonder why,
Why do you keep me here?
Granted me the good death I do so deserve.
But before I go,
Let me have a hint of love.
It's my dream and wish.
Don't know where that came from...
But there it is.
A moment to moment, Poem(?).
This frost bitten wind pulls at my hair,
Scrapes my face,
I run from the cold that chases me at the speed of light,
I sing,
My own song,
As my tears freeze on my cheeks,
They disappear.
My skin,
Cold,
Numb...
A moonglow shade of night.
Someone save me tonight,
As I'm pushed,
Pulled,
Raped by this air and night.
I post weird poetic stuff no one understands
why is YOUR livejournal annoying?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| #2 - PEACEMAKER |
[Jul. 9th, 2004|05:44 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Calm and cold. | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Losing Grip" - Avril Lavigne | ] |
2's Are the born diplomats.
There are aware of others' needs and mood and often think of others before themselves.
Naturally analytical and very intuitive they don't like to be alone.
Friendship and companionship is very important and can lead them to be successful in life, bot on the other hand they'd rather be alone than in an uncomfortable relationship.
Being naturally shy they should learn to boost their self-esteem.
And express themselves freely and seize the moment and not put things off.
Famous 2's: President Bill Clinton, Madonna, Whoops Goldberg, Tomas Edison, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
God, like I REALLY needed to be in comparison with a fucking President.
Damn Presidents to the Bowels of Hell!
It's true...
Here's the website where you can get your own.
http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/4762
Hopefully that link works, if not...I'll get it to you personally.
Heh...
~Strives for a nice warm body to hug, prefereably the man in her mind.~
That sounded...
Needy, and desperate,
Well...I am.
I had an arugement, with...well...
An EX-friend.
About pointlessness...
Granted, those things he said about Eric, were utterly UNNEEDED.
I always use that saying, but does that me he has to bring up Eric?
He most likely doesn't have a Girlfriend anyway...
It hurt me though...
Really badly...
Goddamn, I need a life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2004|03:25 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Amused, yet Sad. | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | "Taking Over Me" and "Whisper" - Evanescence | ] |
I'm crying...
I just want a bit of warmth and comfort.
To be held, is all...
Would you hug me if you were here?
Or would you draw back because your afraid of my horrid looks, actions, emotions, words...?
Am I...
Me?
Would you touch me?
Hug me?
Love me if you could?
I love you, It's true...
If I was older...
Would you render me safe in your arms?
Grant me the warmth I pray for?
"Don't try to fix me I'm not broken"
I'm not, I swear I'm not...
I'm just...
Different.
Take me away,
In your dreams I'll lay safe.
I'd fight away everythign your scared of.
My love,
I'm scared,
But with you, I know I'm safe.
Hold onto me love,
You know I can't stay long,
All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid.
I'm scared, but I'm not afraid,
Does that make sense?
I'm crying...
I wish,
I was older,
Smarter,
Stronger,
Loved...
I desire to be hugged...
"I believe in you,
I'd give everything just to find you,
I have to be with you to live to breathe,
You're taking over me." - Evanescence "Taking Over Me"
Save me,
As I fall,
Screaming at my fears,
I wish they would all just disappear.
I want to feel the words I fear I'll hear.
I feel alone,
Why?
I stand on my stood of pride,
Wondering,
Where's my place called home?
(I'm unwanted)
Painful thoughts consume my body.
I wish it all away...
You sing, "What's left of you" on my CD, and I don't know...
So many things, I do not understand.
The word, "Hoagie" Makes me laugh.
Your Trix rant, It's hilarious.
Your Humor is as fucked up as mine, and I love it.
So many things...Remind me of you.
Don't be sad or cry, I'll be there to hug and love you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2004|12:47 am] |
| How to make a AnimaticKae |
Ingredients:
3 parts success
5 parts self-sufficiency
1 part |
Method:
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Serve with a slice of lovability and a pinch of salt. Yum! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2004|06:50 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Stressed/Angry, yet Well... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | Maira Mena "You're the Only one" | ] |
Yesterday, I went to a store and bought a shirt. It's orange, it reminds me of a certain time, I'd like to talk to Eric, to remind him of something that Orange shirt represents to me.
I dyed my hair blue black today.
Darien, my younger brother, Mistaked me for Sango, From the anime show, Inuyasha.
Taylor said he didn't know me anymore.
Savannah, well...I wont go there.
My good day, went horrible right after I read the mail.
It was about a car accident...
I had forgotten about.
Which happened,
Almost 2 years ago...
I had to take a Spine care class, (I have forgotten the name.)
And the man who hit myself and my Mother, talking to his Insurance, and they only want to pay $800 dollars, when the bill for the spine doctor was, $1,400 for me, alone.
My Mothers was, $1,800.
I wonder, if they only pay me the $800 dollars, which wont pay off the bill, why the hell am I paying the bill if we were hit?
How fucked up is that!?
God, I'm as pissed as hell...
Where's my Eric to help me feel better?
My Dog doesn't reconize me either, I picked him up and hugged him, which in returned he bit my nose, I smacked him, but he kept barking at me.
Damn hair dye...
I just love the priceless effect it has on me.
The Dead Green eyes,
The Pale features and tone.
The gaze I give when I look at people.
They say I look like a Ghost,
I take that as the compliment I want.
Unnocticeable. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2004|05:19 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Well...For the moment. | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | Finger Eleven - "One Thing" | ] |
I deleted this post.
Or Edited, in my own way...
Because I found it pointless when I'd rather have people ask me that personally.
So distant,
So cold.
So here,
So alone.
Afraid of,
The long nights.
Which endure,
In a crying fight.
I haunt,
I am the haunted.
Someone save me from this hell...
My little fairy tale world.
Fairy tales are for children,
I'm better than that.
I'm better than my own dream.
In many ways,
More than it seems...
Nine Inch Nails
"We're in this together"
I've become
Impossible.
Holding onto when,
When everything seemed to matter more.
The two of us, (All used)
All used and beaten up.
Watching fate
As it flows.
Down a path,
We have chose.
You and Me,
We're in this together now...
None of them can stop us now.
We will make it through somehow.
You and Me,
If the world should break into two,
Until the very end of me,
Until the very end of you.
Awake to the sound,
As they peel apart the skin.
They pick and the pull...
Trying to get their fingers in.
Well they've got to kill what we found,
Well they've got to hate what they fear,
Well they've got to make it go away,
Well they've got to make it disapear.
The father I fall I'm beside you,
As lost as I get I will find you...
The deeper the wound I'm inside you.
Forever and ever I'm a part of...
You and Me,
We're in this together now...
None of them can stop us now.
We will make it through somehow.
You and Me,
If the world should break in two...
Until the very end of me,
Until the very end of you.
All that we were is gone we have to hold,
All that we were is gone we have to hold.
When all out hope is gone we have to hold,
Al that we were is gone but we can hold on...
You and Me,
We're in this together now...
None of them can stop us now.
We will make it through somehow.
You and Me,
Even after everything,
You're the Queen and I'm the King.
Nothing else means anything...
If only that were true.
If only that were...
Me.
I'd give anything...
If you understand what I mean.
Goodnight, world.
A new days breaks. |
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|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2004|02:52 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Hidden under my Shell... | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | Evanescence - "My Last Breath" | ] |
This...
Is MY story...
And this is.
The end.
Long story made short,
Do you understand what I mean?
I do hope so...
I know,
I'm mean, conceited, protective, cowardly, unattractive, stupid, pathetic, utterly depressing...
But, it's me.
I wish people would just...
Accept me for what I do and am.
It sounds stupid, and I know your detesting the thought of even looking at that...
But here...
In my little fairy tale that everything is in Black and White...
It's has the looks of my outcome and thought of the world...
I'm unsure...
Of myself...at the mere moment.
Devling into the music of Nine Inch Nails, "Something I can never have"
And I know there's something I can never have...
Obstacles always consume me.
Ages...
Places...
Distance...
God, why me?
Why do I have to be the little child who wants love and never gets it?
Eric said to me once, "Do not let the negative and hurtful words and actions of people around you twist you into a hollow shell of the human being you once were...losing your humanity and free will is what those cruel people desire, and I do not think you should let them win by giving them the satisfaction of breaking you down. Be strong, and always remember, we are the crafters of our own destiny...no one else can truly ever control you; you always have a choice."
I understand...
I'll finish this post later after I go and think. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2004|09:32 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Just...Ok. | ] |
Someone...
Anyone...
Shoot me please? I'm on my hands and knees begging you.
I need to feel that unfamiliar pain.
Not the mental,
But Physical.
I hurt...
Much more than I let people see...
Why?
Because I must to be afraid to let anyone into my heart.
I feel worthless...
As always.
Nothing changes...
Not me.
But they,
They change every other second.
Posing to try and be me.
But they don't know me.
They may know my full name...
But they just don't need me.
I'm not meant to start a trend in this family.
Why can't they just accept that I think, look, act and ARE different from them.
I call them weird, they call me insane, sadistic...
Well guess what?
For once your right.
In the back of mind mind I know and wish I would've asked someone to kill you when they offered.
I had my chance...
But I blew it.
I'm such a failure...
To myself.
I don't know anymore...
My minds moving to fast to actually think straight.
Where's Eric when I want to talk about my problems? He makes me smile, Laugh...and I ratrely do either anymore.
I love him. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2004|07:36 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Blank...yet Depressed. | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | Avril Lavigne - "Unwanted" | ] |
Morning.
Up early due to not being able to sleep...
Why?
I do not know...
I woke up, to hear Evanescence, "My Immortal" playing on the Radio.
I began crying...
Why?
For my own undisclosed reasons.
You know who you are and what this means to me by now...
Hopefully...
My legs, they ache immensely...
Here's the lyrics to a song I always sing to when in such a state of...being, "Blank"
"Concrete Angel"
She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holdin' back
Wearin' the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with linen and lace
The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born
Through the wind and the rain
She stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings
And she flies to a place where she's loved
Concrete angel
Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear, but they turn out the lights
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it'll be too late
Repeat Chorus
A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot
Repeat Chorus
There it is...
I can relate...
Taking out but a few things in the verse before the last...
Because if some say...
"It's never to late."
I feel it being that way.
I live my fairy tale of everything black and blue.
Bruises, consume as well...
This...Is quite random I know.
But it's what I feel at the moment.
I have a certain bunh of lyrics continue to jumble in my head, lyrics from, Evanescence and such...
Like from the song, "Taking over me"
"I believe in you,
I'd give up anything just to find you.
I have to be with you to like to breathe.
Your taking over me."
And the chorus from, "Whisper"
"Don't turn away,
Don't give into the pain,
Don't try to hide
Though they're screaming your name.
Don't close your eyes,
God knows what lies behind them.
Don't turn out the light,
Never sleep, never die."
I have to many lyrics I want to share...
But not enough time in the world to share as such.
I'm rather...Blank in a depressed way. Does that make sense?
I'm scared and I don't know why... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2004|06:39 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | cold | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | Giola - "Be Mine" (Remix) | ] |
I know, your probably thinking,
"What the fuck? she posts to damn much."
Well...
If you think that,
Then, Fuck you.
That's good, I got that out of my system, I haven't slept, at all in the past 2 days, eaten, gotten and real great exercise.
Strange...
My 5 in the morning,
Talking to Eric of course,
My mother came out, saying, "Do you know what fucking time it is?"
She well...
She hit me.
But it doesn't matter, I'm still alive, and it doesn't hurt all to much anymore...
She told me, after a good smacking, that I was going with them later to Marine World.
My first thought was, "I'd...Rather let Mauraders and the Nephandus' have my body rather then have to spend a few hours with 'This' family..."
Come to think of it, I still don't want to go...
I do hope something comes up and saves me from a living beatery. (I made the word up people, it means, well to me : Practically letting them beat me up with words.)
Please save me...
I really, don't know how much hitting I can take.
I just want to look at all the misguided people and say, "Fuck you all, you don't have my help anymore..."
But yet, I still want to help.
Hoping...
That I can make my own change to help others in what they need the most.
I'm crying...
Why?
I don't...Know.
That's my honesty.
My legs, arms, head, it hurts...
My fingers are numb,
My arms burn...
My body tells me to get a massage because I need it. But the first thing I think is, "I'm very insecure about certain people oin this home touching me." and "I rather give a massage rather than recieve, making one feel better despite my own displeasure."
I'll, update later.
Happy 4th of July. (Granted I don't celebrate it, because I have no one worth while here with me to do so...) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2004|03:24 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | Soundscapes - Sounds of the night... | ] |
I was sitting here,
Waiting for something...
And came to a naive yet, childish question, but remembering a friend say, Well...Eric say, "No question is childish."
Is...It alright to be scared?
Afraid?
Even if you don't know what it is, your scared or afraid of?
To many thoughts blast into my head...
I wonder, what to do with myself?
My life seems...
Worthless, utterly...
Wishing it would end every second I sit and think...
Pathetic, really...
I don't know...
All these thoughts, suffocate me,
As I sit, listening to soundscapes and play with my lighter and candle...
Hoping...
No,
Wishing,
That someone would take me away,
Just...Take me away, in general, I think I would, jump at the thought.
With consideration...I do suppose... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2004|02:34 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | Blank, yet pain, and content. | ] |
| [ | I hear |
| | Evanescence - "Hello" | ] |
I decided, as what I have posted, is just for my rare amusement of what you think...
But since I decided, not to forward it through mail, I'd make it more memorable by posting it here,
Of course, if you want to e-mail me with the answersw to keep it private, I'd be willing to do so...
So, here it is... :
1} What Would You do if...
I cried:
I asked you to help:
I died from natural causes:
I said I liked you:
I kissed you:
I started smoking:
I stole something:
I was hospitalized:
I ran away from home:
I got in a fight and you were there:
I got dumped:
I pissed you off:
I did something that you could never forgive me for:
2} What Do You Think Of My...
Personality:
Eyes:
Face:
Hair:
Clothes:
Voice:
Humor:
Choice of music:
Mannerisms:
Family:
Body:
Friends:
Decisions:
3} Would You...
Be my friend:
Tell me the truth no matter what:
Lie to make me feel better:
Spread rumors about me:
Keep a secret if I told you one:
Loan me some cash:
Hold my hand:
Take a bullet for me:
Keep in touch:
Try and solve my problems:
Love me:
Have Sex with me:
Ditch me:
Use me:
Date me:
Rape me:
Beat me up:
Rather, interesting...
I know, it may sound stupid to you, possibly, but it's just what my mind conjures up, as I find the want to know what you would all do in simple cases and such.
At the moment, I feel rather...
Blank.
More depressed though.
My legs, they ache horribly, as well as my back.
My body tells me to beg for a massage...
But I find it more comfortable giving them than recieving them, even if I physically don't feel better after. |
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